Nothing is harder than being a parent. It is highly demanding and yet brings with it a blessing beyond description … sometimes and sometimes not. It was an offhanded comment made on Sunday morning and it got a lot of laughs. The person speaking shared that her husband and she stayed together because “they had agreed that whoever filed for divorce would get the kids. So they stayed together out of self-defense.” Hmmm, that got me thinking about parenting.
Proverbs 22:6 states: Point your kids in the right direction - when they're old they won't be lost. (The Message) This wise proverb is often quoted, but is much easier said then done. Oh, we all try very hard to be good parents, but as one “expert” in the field of parenting shared, “We enter marriage and parenting as damaged goods.” Conclusion is that we all of us make mistakes within the context of parenting our children, but at the very basic level we make the best decisions at the time and within the situation that we know how to make given the circumstances. We really shouldn’t beat ourselves up too badly, but we should be wise enough to apologize to our adult children for not doing a better job … we really should! And then pray that they do not pass on some of our bad traits to their children while trying to raise them.
I ran across a powerful editorial column on this topic written by Ellen Goodman, "Battling Our Culture Is Parents' Task," Chicago Tribune, August 18, 1993, a portion of which follows:
Sooner or later; most Americans become card-carrying members of the counterculture. This is not an underground holdout of Hippies. No beads are required. All you need to join is a child.
At some point between Lamaze and PTA, it becomes clear that one of your main jobs as a parent is to counter the culture. What the media deliver to children by the masses, you are expected to rebut one at a time. But it occurs to me now that the call for "parental responsibility" is increasing in direct proportion to the irresponsibility of the marketplace. Parents are expected to protect their children from an increasingly hostile environment. Are the kids being sold junk food? Just say no. Is TV bad? Turn it off. Are there messages about sex, drugs, violence all around? Counter the culture.
Mothers and fathers are expected to screen virtually every aspect of their children's lives. To check the ratings on the movies, to read the labels on the CDs, to find out if there's MTV in the house next door. All the while keeping in touch with school and in their free time, earning a living.
Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, a research associate at the Institute for American Values, found this out in interviews with middle-class parents. "A common complaint I heard from parents was their sense of being overwhelmed by the culture. They felt relatively more helpless than their parents."
"Parents," she notes, "see themselves in a struggle for the hearts and minds of their own children." It isn't that they can't say no. It's that there's so much more to say no to.
Without wallowing in false nostalgia, there has been a fundamental shift. Americans once expected parents to raise their children in accordance with the dominant cultural messages. Today they are expected to raise their children in opposition.
Once the chorus of cultural values was full of ministers, teachers, neighbors, leaders. They demanded more conformity, but offered more support. Now the messengers are Ninja Turtles, Madonna, rap groups, and celebrities pushing sneakers. Parents are considered "responsible" only if they are successful in their resistance.
It's what makes child-raising harder. It's why parents feel more isolated. It's not just that American families have less time with their kids, it's that we have to spend more of this time doing battle with our own culture. It's rather like trying to get your kids to eat their green beans after they've been told all day about the wonders of Milky Way. Come to think of it, it's exactly like that.
If you have children for which you are responsible … good luck. The best thing you can do is to find a prayer partner who will under gird you with prayer (actually that isn’t bad advice for any of us – with or without children). Then find a group of parents who are in the thick of things in raising their own children – it should be a group that you can be brutally honest with … about your fears, hopes and anxieties. Plus, find some mentors who are willing to serve as a listening post … it helps if they have raised successful, happy and well-adjusted children themselves.
It is tough being a parent. I’m glad that I can be just a grandparent now.
Consider this from an unknown source that passed on their wisdom in just what a parent can and cannot do:
I gave you life, but I cannot live it for you.
I can teach you things, but I cannot make you learn.
I can give you directions, but I cannot always be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it.
I can take you to church, but I cannot make you believe.
I can teach you right from wrong, but I can't always decide for you.
I can buy you beautiful clothes, but I cannot make you lovely inside.
I can offer you advice, but I cannot accept it for you.
I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to be a friend, but I cannot make you one.
I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect, but I can't force you to show honor.
I can grieve about your report card, but I cannot doubt your teachers.
I can advise you about friends, but I cannot choose them for you.
I can teach you about sex, but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you the facts of life, but I can't build your reputation.
I can tell you about drink, but I can't say NO for you.
I can warn you about drugs, but I can't prevent you from using them.
I can tell you about lofty goals, but I can't achieve them for you.
I can teach you kindness, but I can't force you to be gracious.
I can warn you about sins, but I cannot make your morals
I can love you as a daughter or son, but I cannot place you in God's Family.
I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can teach you about Jesus, but I cannot make HIM your Saviour.
I can teach you to OBEY, but I cannot make Jesus Your Lord.
I can tell you how to live, but I cannot give you Eternal Life.
Quote for today: Percentage of American teens who say they want to be like their parents: 39% Charis Conn, editor
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