On being a parent

In Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult, the author wrote: “What is a parent, really, but somebody who picks up the things a child leaves behind – a trail made of stripped-off clothing, orphaned shoes, tinny bright plastic game pieces, and nostalgia – and who hands back each of these when it’s needed? What is a parent but someone you trust to keep you safe, and to tell you the truth” (page 145).

Being a parent isn’t easy. Though there are numerous “instruction” manuals, so to speak, in the bookstores, you have to buy them, read them, understand what you have read, believe in what you read and then follow what you have read. Who really is going to do that? Becoming a parent is a lot easier than being a parent.

Overheard recently about being a parent, “If I had known it was this hard I would have prepared better!” But, how does anyone really prepare to be a parent? You can read all those books, talk with other parents, remember how you were raised … and then go forth and simply do the best job possible based on what you know or think you know. And isn’t that at the root of the reality – as parents we simply try to do the best job possible based on what we know or think we know. We do a pretty good job given the circumstances and the information available at the time.

Insights come along with the journey. As I listened to a call in talk show some time ago I was struck by the advice offered to a caller who was wondering what to do with her child who was entering the “Terrible Twos” stage of life. The radio host advice was solid … just work on the relationship do not try to change the behavior, unless it is life threatening or mean spirited, because before you know it the child will have moved on to some other “horrible” behavior pattern and hopefully, he/she will have a good solid relationship with you as their parent to take with them. When I got home I shared this over dinner with my two daughters, who were teenagers at the time. One of them said, “Man, I wish you had discovered this little insight much earlier!” And, so did I.

Parenting is all about the relationship … not control or authority or power … just a relationship, but not as a buddy-to-buddy rather as parent-to-child. Our offspring will always need a parent that they can turn to for advice and guidance – the wise one in the midst of the storms of life. Without a relationship the child will not necessarily be able to trust the source of the wisdom.

Do parents make mistakes? Yes! Are those devastating and long lasting? Sometimes. Can they be undone? Maybe … depends on how much work the parent wants to do and how much the child now a teenager or an adult is willing to open up. Does any parent wish they could go back and do it again? By all means! Who was it that said that we, as parents, should bring one child into this life raise it to full adulthood then through it away and start all over with another child – much wiser and better suited to being a parent?

I will admit that it is much easier being a grandparent … and much more fun! You cannot make any mistakes and if you do, it is the child’s parents who are responsible to correct the mistakes made. That sure let’s the grandparent off the hook … but should it? I’m feeling a little guilty, as I have just written those words. Grandparenting is as important to the emotional and mental well being of the child as his or her relationship with his or her parents. Like it or not we are a part of the village that is raising the child.

And so, the three most important ideas in raising a child by the parents or grandparents are: relationship, relationship, relationship.

Go forth and multiple … enjoy the journey and stop worrying about making mistakes … when the “burden” of parenting gets to be overwhelming just sit down with your child, bring out the Oreos and have an icing licking contest … and enjoy the laughter … it will be memory that both of you will enjoy later in life!

And if you are not a parent then go forth and adopt someone else’s child for the day or for the weekend – both the parents and the child will appreciate the relief you bring into their life!

Quote for today: I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. Harry S. Truman