Facing the Aghast of life

From an old New Yorker magazine a cartoon was cut and framed by my eldest brother. It hangs in my study, as it has ever since it came into my possession. Two tramps are standing on a city corner watching a Mr. Big Bucks chauffeured in a rather large, shiny black limousine. One of the tramps turns to the other and states, “There, but for me, go I!”

I’m presently reading, Breath, Eyes, Memory, one of the many books that has been shared with me since, for the next 6-plus weeks, I am kind of confined to the coach until my left foot heals. It is one of the nine books by the Haitian author, Edwidge Danticat – an unusually good and gifted word-smith On page 25 she writes: “She told me about a group of people in Guinea who carry the sky on their heads. They are the people of Creation. Strong, tall, and mighty people who can bear anything. Their Maker, she said, gives them the sky to carry because they are strong. These people do not know who they are, but if you see a lot of trouble in your life, it is because you were chosen to carry part of the sky on your head.” As the spiritual states, “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody, but Jesus.” Are my troubles due to the reality that I’ve been asked to carry the sky on my head or are the troubles a result of my own self-centered attitudes or that I have failed to understand that God had chosen me to be one of the strong ones. Hmmm … there but for me?

This struck me especially hard since I have been mulling over a difficult question: Living life of aghast or allowing the aghast of life to dominate my living? We’ve all made too many mistakes and bad decisions in the course of our life – or at least I have – and, now that I am retired the memories, often painful to recall, have come flooding back. There but for me …

Two attitudes are faced – one of regret, i.e. allowing the aghast of life to dominate my living or the reverse of that foolishness, namely living life of aghast, i.e. learning from my mistakes and seeking to do better. In other words, if I fully understand the New Yorker cartoon, I cannot blame the decisions on anyone but myself. In other words I am caught between deep regret and a desire to come back (if that was possible) and re-live my life all over again … there but for me …

Did I make the best decisions that I could make given the circumstances and my abilities? I think that I did, but I have to be careful not to use this as a copout. Did I spend too much time trying to get “my” way? – Oh, yes! Could I have listened more, included more people in the decision making process, and shared my wishes less? – Yes, yes and yes again! Did I disappoint those important to me? – Unfortunately! Did I fail the trust God placed in me? – Yes again! Can I go back and change anything? - Painfully, no! As I have indicated … there but for me …

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen" --Reinhold Niebuhr

Aghast is a strong concept, but I pray that I am able to leave all of this “stuff” on the table between God and me and move on. I need to because when I spend too much time re-living the painful memories I become depressed and turn the growing anger in on myself and outward to those I love. I am thankful for the forgiveness of my family, friends and various people of my churches and simply pray that in the future I will be more sensitive and far more productive … there but me go I?!

Quote for today: “If you could kick the person responsible for most of your troubles in the backside, you wouldn't be able to sit down for two weeks.” Bits and Pieces