How to cope with the tragedies of life - with the things that "bump in the night"

How does any individual cope with the inevitable tragedies of life and know that “joy comes in the morning.” Nothing lasts forever – grief, fear, anxiety, tears, sorrow, depression, loneliness – nothing or at least they shouldn’t. When they do, then it is imperative that a professional counselor and/or a pastor should be sought out. Why? Because talking through the emotional issues involved is in itself a part of the healing.

What I share today comes from two foundational perspectives: 1) My own personal loss of our first born who died just four days before his 9th birthday; and 2) a professional perspective with over 42 years of ministry, watching people struggle with the things that “go bump in the night.”

Both perspectives are framed by two significant events: first, the reading of Dr. Elizabeth Kupler-Ross’s book, “On Death and Dying” at the beginning of my ministry and Secondly, participating in a “Death and Dying” Seminar at All Children’s Hospital in St. Petersburg just months after our son’s death.

NOTE: though I reference death as the thing that “goes bump in the night” we should be aware that it is all inclusive of all struggles that we face in life – major illness, failing health, divorce, job loss, foreclosure, empty nest, rejection by members of ones family, etc. Each of us will have our own personal definition of the tragedy of life … of the thing that goes “bump in the night.”

The other general overview that I bring to this discussion is the belief that how we handle the things that “bump in the night” is determined by our attitude – emitting from the very core of our being … our core values that we hold in the depth of our spirit. These core values can explain why and how certain people seem to simply “bounce” back up after being knocked down quicker than others.

Two resources that have helped me with my own journey are: Norman Cousins, “Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient” – diagnosed with a serious illness in 1964, was given a 1 in 500 chance of living Dr. Cousins accepted the doctor’s diagnosis, but not their prognosis and lived another 26 years – 1912-1990, as well as Dr. Bernie Siegel’s book, “Love, Medicine and Miracles” which addresses the entire issue of mind/spirit over our physical and outward circumstances.

Now … how to cope with the things that “go bump in the night” – this is what I have found to be effective both personally and professionally, but first here is a short list of some not so effective approaches to those tragic times when we experience those times when things “go bump in the night.”

“IT IS GOD’S WILL” is not a good answer to the tragedies of life. Sadly, it is all too often heard after a loved one has pasted away or some other tragedy has occurred. Or, as I recently heard at a spiritual event, “It is just the way God works to get our attention.” Ouch! Within the context of this point has got to be heard Lamentations 3:33: “For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.” (NIV) Or, from The Message, “He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way.” When something goes “bump in the night” it is not God’s will. It is just not possible to make a biblical case for this particular mindset unless the God you know is mean and vindictive.

“BURYING YOURSELF IN THE GRIEF” is often witnessed. While the associate pastor at St. Luke’s UMC in St. Petersburg, FL (it was during this time that we lost our beloved son) a woman approached me to share her own story about the loss of her son. She spoke in such terms that I thought that the death had taken place in the last year or so. I later discovered that it had taken place more than 35 years ago, but she was still buried deep within the grief and had never allowed herself to live beyond that reality. On another blog I wrote about one of the customers that my brother Ralph had on his Miami Herald paper route. This husband and wife had received the news of the death of their son just days before he was to return from WWII … just days before Christmas. The tree had been trimmed with presents wrapped and placed under the tree in anticipation of his return. Well, in the mid-1950s, the tree still stood in the corner of the living room and the presents were still under the tree. The needles were gone and many of the ornaments had fallen off the tree because their lives had stopped when the sad news arrived. They were simply buried in their grief.

“ALMOST TOTAL DENIAL” of the reality of the tragedy. Here I think of a marriage at Temple Terrace UMC. After nearly 20 years of marriage, two teenagers nearly out of their teenage years was annulled – which means that it never occurred. Interesting – 20plus years and two nearly adult children and it never occurred? That is total denial. Possibly you might know of other situations where the name of the individual is forbidden to be mentioned for one reason or another … that is a total denial of reality.

“CEASE TO LIVE” – While the senior pastor of St. Paul UMC in Jacksonville I visited one of our shut-ins. She ushered me into her living room where the drapes were drawn, blinds closed, a single 25-watt bulb burned in a lamp in the corner, and the room was almost in total darkness. This was her existence, day in and day out. She had stopped living because of an unspeakable tragedy in her past.

“ANGER” – on too many occasions I’ve witnessed individuals who, in the midst of their tragedy, turn their anger outward – to the doctors, hospital, relatives, spouse, boss, colleagues – got to blame others for their painful situation … this is why better than 90% of couples who have lost a child end up getting divorced. It is a coping mechanism and while it isn’t very effective – nothing more than missed place emotions, nevertheless it is used by too many individuals.

And the last not so effective response to tragedy is to “INTERNALIZE” - Allowing the stress to build up inside until it takes its toll on you physically – high blood pressure, major illness, psychological problems, depression, suicide, heart problems, etc.

Finally, here is what I have found that works effectively in coping/dealing with the tragedies of life. I’m sure that others could add to this list, but these are the 7 ways that I have either used, suggested and/or witnessed in others.
1) Rehearsed memory – A mother, who had been divorced by her husband years ago, because he desired a younger woman, leaving her with three teenagers. Yet, every Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays and other celebrative occasions they were all together – all of them – rehearsing over and over and over again the memories of a life once shared.
2) Journaling – by writing down ones feelings, the emotional journey … getting those negative feelings out of your mind/spirit. While it is a little crude it is much like “throwing-up” when you are physically sick. Getting rid of whatever is negatively effecting the emotional, mental or spiritual health.
3) Share the journey with others – this is one reason that I like to pair up people with similar experiences. By sharing the experience of the tragedy with others you can discover that you need not carry the burden by yourself.
4) Accept and Embrace the emotions. A fellow clergy had been very close to his father. He had been raised on a Tennessee farm. His father had passed away over 15 years ago. One day, while out with three of his friends playing a round of golf. He was teed up at the 3rd hole when tears just started to run down his cheeks. Bothered by this sudden onset of emotions, he suggested that the others go ahead and play on while he sat on a bench close by to sort out just what was going on. As he sat there he heard the faint sound of something in the fields close by, so he decided to investigate. What he found was that somebody was on an old John Deere tractor mowing a field. The tractor was emitting the distinctive odor of burnt oil that is unique to old John Deere tractors. That sound and the smell had caused him to remember his dad … and in the remembrance, grieve openly and unselfconsciously about his dad.
5) Visioning is an approach that Dr. David Seamand shares in two of his books, “Healing of Damaged Emotions,” and “Redeeming the Past: Recovering from Memories that Cause Our Pain.” The outline of this particular approach is that after many counseling sessions they finally arrive at the visioning session where he suggests that you envision sitting in a room, a knock comes, you say come in, Jesus walks into the room, comes to you, touches you to heal, picks you up and cradles you in his arms as you allow the emotions/memories to leave.
6) Prayer of Relinquishment was something that I discovered during our son’s illness and death and found that is unique to John Wesley’s thought and theology. The Prayer of Relinquishment is the acknowledgement that the loved one(s) involved belong to God anyway and not to you. And, because they belong to God, you simply relinquish them into God’s care and keeping knowing that in life or in death they are Gods. It is a prayer of release. All too often the people within the tragic situation become a burden that we try to carry emotionally and mentally, but God shares that we are too bring our burdens to him … allowing God to carry them.
7) Expect/pray for a victory from this tragedy. This had become central to our prayers during our son’s illness and death. Knowing full well that the cancer was slowly robbing Tim of his life we prayed, “May you bring victory, dear God, out of this tragedy” and God did with the incredible story of our youngest daughter’s adoptive process. But, that is a story for anther day.

Quote for today: There are no victories at discount prices. General Dwight Eisenhower