The destructive force of negative feelings - like the mighty termite

The historical downtown First Presbyterian Church is shrouded in blue and white tarps as they undergo a fumigation to fight termites. As I passed the church yesterday it got me thinking about the destructive power of this tiny little insect. The termite is small in size with a large appetite. It often goes undetected while it does its destructive work. All too often the little signs of its presence go unnoticed or simply ignored totally.

The parallel here is how our attitudes and feelings can work on us personally, as well as in all of our relationships like a termite – undetected, unnoticed, ignored – always eating away at the very core of our being. In counseling we often talk about “you” messages … you make me, you’ve done this or that, it is all your fault, look at what you have done, if you were different, why haven’t you, how could you, why didn’t you … and so the list goes on. It is an attempt to transfer our negative feelings about ourselves onto the other individual – regardless of who that individual might be – our spouse, our boss, our children, our parents, our job, our colleagues, our teachers, our students – going down the path of destroying whatever we do have in the hopes of feeling better about ourselves.

A wise counselor once shared with a Sunday school class that every day, in every relationship we have a decision to make. We can choose to look at what is good and positive in that relationship or we can look at what is bad as we attempt to transfer our negative energy force onto the other individual through a game we call, “The Blame Game.” He went on to share that taking personal responsibility is always difficult. It means accepting the reality of our situation and acknowledging that we are actually in charge of ourselves. Taking ownership of our feelings instead of transferring them is never easy, but probably one of the healthiest and emotionally healing thing that we can do. He concluded his lesson by stating that once we own up to the reality of our situation instead of trying to transfer our feelings on to someone else then and only then, can we start to make positive changes so that the circumstances of our lives ultimately change, i.e. our thinking and how approach problems within our situation and/or relationship.

Or, we can continue to ignore them, like the mighty little termite, attacking the most significant people in our lives until the very foundation of those relationships are destroyed. The “fumigation” process is to take time to understand why we are feeling what we are feeling. Become very clear as to why those feelings exist – here it is important that we do not transfer them to others through the act of The Blame Game. Write down what we are discovering about our feelings, our self, and our situation – always clarifying and digging ever deeper. Determine the best course of action to be taken. As The Rev. Dr. Charles Allen once shared with a group of clergy, “People come to me with their problems and they always leave by stating that I am such a fantastic counselor. I’m not sure why they would think that because I simply ask a few questions: What is the problem? Who owns the problem? And, what can you do about it? They actually solve their own problems by answering my three questions and all I do is listen.”

Maybe, just maybe, it would be helpful if we started to listen to ourselves as we ask Dr. Allen’s three questions. We just might be surprised at our answers and the solutions available or we can continue to be angry, feeling sorry for ourselves taking it out on those who actually do love us more than we love ourselves. Remember the mighty termite and the destructive force of its appetite. Or, as the counselor, mentioned earlier, suggested to the class, “Is your relationship(s) half empty or half full. We have to decide if we are going to concentrate on what is wrong in the relationship(s), i.e. half empty, or what is right in the relationship(s), i.e. half full. Actually, it is the old honey vs. vinegar idea about attracting bees. It is our decision.”

Quote for today: Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude. ~ William James