A parent's reflections on the death of your child

Maybe it is because I’ve lost a child. Maybe it is because that lost child was a son. Maybe it is because my heart was broken and life shattered. Maybe it is because I had to learn the hard lesson that life has to go on. There are a lot of “maybes” involved here, but yesterday, sitting in the darken theatre as “The 5th Quarter” rolled across the screen; I was transported back to another time when death came visiting.

I identified with Mr. Abbate. I probably overly identified with the characters because I normally do. Oh, our sons were different ages. Mine was just 4-days from his 9th birthday; Abbate’s was in high school. Mine was just starting to show interest in sports, Abbate’s was a star on the football team. Mine died because of cancer, his died because of a stupid driving decision of a fellow student. But the story took me back to the pain that is so deep that you begin to think that it will never leave. The never ending questions, the “what ifs,” the “if onlys,” the self-doubts, the “was there something that I could have done”. No matter how often you visit these questions and think that they have been put to rest, there will still be a moment in the present when they all come rush back.

A poem was used in telling the Abbate family story. It is by Edgar Guest. Mr. Guest was not a great writer, but he was my mother’s favorite. She had a small red volume of his poems that now rests in my library. Like my mother, I have read the poems in this little book many times. They never failed to bring comfort, calm, insight and understanding to whatever I was facing at the moment. I thought it strange that I didn’t remember this poem.

As the poem was read in the movie – kind of an overlay as the mother was dealing with her grief – I felt the volcanic grief welling up within begin to calm once again and peace return. I offer it here for all parents who are dealing with the grief of losing a child.

To all Parents ~Edgar Guest

"I'll lend you for a while a child of mine," He said.
"For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief."

"I cannot promise he will stay; since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in My search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love, not think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?"

"I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay;
But should the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand!"

Quote for today: The death of a child is the single most traumatic event in medicine. To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself. ~Dr. Burton Grebin