The ER room was quiet, the light had been turned off and I had my eyes shut. Was I trying to sleep or just lost in thought. Mini-stroke was the initial diagnoses although the doctors would debate what it actually was for another 24 hours … but, “that” is something that happens to old people. Had I reached “that” stage in my life? Plus, what kind of life am I living anyway? What am I doing with my life? Why am I still around?
The nurse asked if I had a Living Will - which I did have and believe that everybody should have. This got me to thinking further because the Living Will did have a DNR clause, as well as instructions against inserting feeding tubes, etc. But I am only 68, have two great grandbabies, our two wonderful daughters live close by and we haven’t really started to enjoy our full retirement years. Our recent Caribbean Cruise was a little reminder that there is so much more to experience in this old life.
These questions and a ton more have been milling around in my mind for the last week. For those who check my blog regularly have probably noticed that I hadn’t written anything since the mini-stroke except of just one reflection on what took place that Wednesday. Just this past Saturday, we were returning home after a dinner night out when my wife stated, “You haven’t written anything on your blog recently.” “Just been doing a lot of thinking,” was my response to her inquiry.
A former youth from my St. Luke’s days posted on my facebook entry about the stroke that her sister Janet had a stroke at the age of 46 and was completely paralyzed on the left side. That was a little hard to believe since our little Tim was the ring-bearer in Janet’s wedding. I did have something to be thankful for because both my wife and I reacted as quickly as we did (I was in the hospital ER within 40 minutes of the first symptoms) and there didn’t seem to be any permanent damage … at least nothing that a little therapy couldn’t address.
A mini-stroke? Wasn’t I healthy? Didn’t I try to eat correctly? Do a little exercise? As a nurse shared yesterday at church, upon hearing the news from her parents about my mini-stroke, “What? That doesn’t make sense. You do not smoke nor drink heavily nor have any of the other lifestyle issues that would indicate a likelihood of the possibility of experiencing a stroke – mini or otherwise.” Well, that was encouraging, but still reality was reality.
I have faced this reality previously. I had a little dread while approaching the age of 47 since that was the age at which my mother had her first major heart attack. But, 47 came and went … and there wasn’t anything. Now, 55 was another issue. Other than my mother’s heart problems (all stressed related) there was no family medical history, but there I was looking at double by-pass surgery on my heart. No attack, just aggressive medical diagnosis indicated that I had a heart attack in the making if it wasn’t addressed soon. So, again, I was saved for a reason.
It has become apparent to me that I really enjoy being around people. I found myself slipping into a rather lazy routine after our move to Bradenton. Too much TV, too much time sitting around, too much time doing nothing … so I started volunteering as a pastoral visitor for our church, but what I was being asked to do was visit the rather extensive list of shut-ins. I had discovered a long time ago through a Gift’s for Ministry Seminar that I neither had the patience nor temperament for shut-in ministry. So, slowly I’ve moved away from that responsibility. Then an opportunity came open at the local movie theatre. Not a bad job. It was very, very part-time and besides I got to be around people, but while lying in the hospital room – they called it “forced bed rest” or as I began to think of it … bed imprisonment – I came back to the question of why was I working at the theatre. Free movies was a nice perk, getting to talk with people was great, but other than that it didn’t really fulfill a Kingdom purpose. Actually, Margaret had begun to ask that very question after the Christmas holidays and, now that I had a lot of time to think, I too began to ask the same question.
I’m not really sure what God is planning for me, but I hope I have the patience to wait on him instead of running ahead of him … like I normally do. And so, I wait on him to give direction to my life and my future … and try to survive the therapy!
Quote for today: We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about. ~Charles Kingsley
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