After keeping our 22-month old granddaughter for four days, while mommy and daddy were at the hospital bringing her baby brother into this world, I have new and deeper appreciation for grandparents who, either voluntarily or involuntarily, take on the huge responsibility of raising their grandchildren full time. I know that after just four days I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. I enjoyed having her around … and underfoot … but the responsibility can be overwhelming, but I wouldn’t have wanted to miss it one little bit!
I also must confess that I do not understand how some grandparents can be satisfied in seeing their grandchildren only occasionally. I often ask the reason why they moved to Florida instead of staying near their grandchildren. The responses were always self-centered … “we wanted a warm climate” … “we have to live our lives and they have to live theirs” … “our friends were here in Florida” … and so the responses go and they often include the desire to play golf year round. How nearsighted and foolish these grandparents are. All too often we grandparents can dismiss the influence and role we need and should play in helping to raise a grandchild. There simply is a different relationship that a grandchild has with his or her grandparents than a parent, no matter how loving and supportive the parents are.
Then I ran across this article from Youthletter. While it was written in 1981, which seems like ancient times, it is very relevant. All grandparents should take seriously their role in helping to raise their grandchild. There is something special about that relationship which nothing and no one can take or replace.
Now there's evidence based on interviews with children and grandparents that children need their grandparents and vice-versa. The study shows that the bond between grandparents and grandchildren is second in emotional power and influence only to the relationship between parents and children. Grandparents affect the lives of their grandchildren, for good or ill, simply because they exist. Unfortunately, a lot of grandparents ignore the fact, to the emotional deprivation of the young. Of the children studied, only five percent reported close, regular contact with at least one grandparent. The vast majority see their grandparents only infrequently, not because they live too far away, but because the grandparents have chosen to remain emotionally distant. These children appear to be hurt, angry, and very perceptive about their grandparents. One of them said, "I'm just a charm on grandma's bracelet." Positive roles that grandparents play are caretaker, storyteller, family historian, mentor, wizard, confidant, negotiator between child and parent, and model for the child's own old age. When a child has a strong emotional tie to a grandparent, he enjoys a kind of immunity--he doesn't have to perform for grandparents the way he must for his parents, peers and teacher. The love of grandparents comes with no behavioral strings attached. The emotional conflicts that often occur naturally between children and parents do not exist between grandparents and grandchildren.
Speaking about that special bond between grandparent and grandchild, I also came across this story from an unknown source: An 8-year-old wrote, "A grandmother is a lady who has no children of her own, so she likes other people's boys and girls. Grandmas don't have anything to do except be there. If they take us for walks, they slow down past pretty leaves and caterpillars. They never say 'Hurry up.' Usually they are fat but not too fat to tie shoes. They wear glasses, and sometimes they can take their teeth out. They can answer questions like why dogs hate cats and why God isn't married. They don't talk like visitors do which is hard to understand. When they read to us, they don't skip words or mind if it is the same story again. Everybody should try to have a grandma, especially if you don't have television, because grandmas are the only grownups who always have time.
Quote for today: The Carnegie Technological Institute has stated that 90% of all people who fail in their life's vocation fail because they cannot get along with people. Lloyd Perry
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I struggle with my emotionally distant Dad. Our relationship is very unfulfilling and now that I have children I want so much for him to be a part of their lives. They want him too, but he just doesn't seem to get it. I don't know how to navigate these relationships.
ReplyDeleteChristine, the one question that kept coming to me as I read and re-read your comment was, have you sat your dad down and shared with him that you desire a deeper emotional relationship with him? Pastor Jim Martin
ReplyDeleteI read all these posts and after seeing the lack of interest of my parents in their grandchildren transform into bitterness and hurt in my children, I decided to confront the situation head on. After all what parent wants apathy and indifference from family members directed towards their children?
ReplyDeleteWhile I did confront my parents via private means, they were very defensive and tried to justify their behavior. Doctors’ appointments, adversity to travel, anxiety and of course concerns with the weather were used they hypocritical statements since none of these reasons stopped them from extended stays at the cabin away from the doctors, traveling to the Caribbean or battling weather to vacation in pleasant climates.
I believe my parents experienced something similar to them in their youth and carry that bitterness with them today which have caused some sort of emotional withdrawal to even be able to empathize what effect it has on the grandchildren. “Can’t come to your graduation, we’re off to the Caribbean, will send you a post card!” sends a very hurtful message.
I know this sounds silly but basically aren’t we all discussing the same thing, trying to fill a void in our hearts and children’s hearts that only a grandfather and grandmother can fill. I don’t know what will happen or if change is possible, but time will tell.
The following article is someone's realization of how to make a healthy transition towards breaking the cycle from repeating itself and a benefit to both young and old. Hope it helps someone out there.
http://myinnerinnervoice.blogspot.se/2012/08/motel-room-window.html