When death comes

What do you say to people who have experienced a death such as a baby or an adult child ... or a spouse or parent? In our attempt to comfort we often say well meaning things which in reality only make the hurt deeper.

Often is heard the phrase: "It is God's Will." Or, "God wanted another angel in heaven." Or, "They have suffered long enough." Or, a thousand and one other little "catch phrases" we have used over the years. They all sound good, but it is really, really bad theology and offers little if any expressions of true caring for the person struggling with the death.

The bottom line is this: How can something that produces so much pain be a part of God's Will? The truth of the matter is that it isn't. In fact, it isn't even a part of God's Will that anyone dies. God affirms, loves, cares, supports, sustains, and, above all things, gives life.

Then how do you explain death? Death is a crude reality of life. It robs life from the very ones who deserve to live.

We live in a very fractured world. It is filled with disease and illness. Life as we know it on earth is imperfect and so death is a part of the cruelty of life. The hard truth is that we do not need to have an answer as to why. It just is!

In biblical days people wanted to have an answer for everything and so literally everything was blamed on God. They believed that every illness, infirmity, death and lack of the ability to bear children was a direct result of a person or parent's sin. Jesus was even asked once, "Who sinned? His parents or him?" Jesus turned that discussion around by stating that this illness can bring glory to God.

Therein lies the real truth ... not that God causes illness and death (life does that all on its own), but that out of the tragedy of illness and death God can bring victory and triumph. Where is the victory and triumph in a baby's death? I do not know as I didn't know when our son passed away. All I did know was, as the Psalmist states: "Joy comes in the morning!" After you walk through the darkness of illness and death, sunrise does come and joy can be experienced once again.

Victory and triumph comes in different ways to different people. For us the victory came in the person of our adopted daughter and our life together with our other daughter. For others it comes in a commitment to change the world so that others will not suffer a loss. And still with others it comes through organizations such as Compassionate Friends who care for parents who have lost a child. Each person finds their own path through this maze of life, but there is victory at the end.

So what do you say to the grieving family? Sometimes - nothing - other than just sitting silently with them and allowing their grief to flow through you and around you. The simple act of your presence and a caring touch on the shoulder is all that is needed.

Or, according to Jess Decourcy Hinds in her article on "My Turn" page of Newsweek magazine, May 28, 2007, writing about her own recent journey at the age of 25 and the death of her father, she writes: "We need to stop being afraid of public mourning. We need to be open to mourners. We need to look each other in the eye, and say 'I am so sorry.'" Here are her "guidelines for mastering the Art of the Condolence:"

1. Always begin directly and simply. "I am so sorry about your mother's death."
2. It's better to ask "How are you?" or "How are you feeling?" instead of telling someone how she should feel.
3. Never say "I can't imagine what you're going through." To me this translates as "This is too hard for me, I don't want to think about it."
4. Never give advice about how someone should get through the loss. ... Be open to the mourner's individual needs. Be open to the possibility that these needs will change day by day.
5. If you want to offer something upbeat, share a funny anecdote or memory about the deceased that might bring a smile to the mourner's face.

Quote for today: "Fight the good fight with all thy might, Christ is thy strength, and Christ thy right; Lay hold on life, and it shall be Thy joy and crown eternally." John Samuel Bewley Monsell